Feeling Needed

Posted in Quotes with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2012 by Anna Deeds, LPC
Pilot (Sons of Anarchy)

Pilot (Sons of Anarchy) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Only men need to be loved, sweetheart. Women need to be wanted. Gemma

Gemma is saying that she needs to feel wanted.  I think the truth is that Gemma wants to feel needed.  I think a lot of what Gemma does in the fictional world of Charming is about her desire to be needed.  She schemes, manipulates and plays people off each other so she can squirm her way into being an important person in Jax‘s life.  She acts like it’s about her love for her son and her grandchildren but everything she does is out of selfishness.  She wants to be the center of her family’s world.  I think she wants this so she can feel needed.

I can relate to wanting to feel needed but I go about it an entirely different way.   I became a counselor because helping other people makes me feel needed.

It is a woman’s instinct to feel needed.  No, it’s more than instinct.  It’s a biological imperative.  Think about it.  Women are biologically designed to have children who need nurtured, loved and taken care of.  Children need us for everything.  But Gemma has reached a point in her life where her children are adults or gone.  They needed her when they were young but not now.  She is unable to accept that and this has a lot to do with what drives her to act out like a child who isn’t getting what she wants.

Unfortunately, I was never able to have children.  I have to find other ways to fulfill this need.  I do this by helping others but I also find myself doing this in personal relationships.  Whenever someone needs something, I try to fill that need.  I even look for things I can do for others because it makes me feel needed.  Most of the time this is a subconscious act where I don’t even think about it.  I’m just the type of person who will go out of their way to do things for others.

At times, it has caused problems in my relationships with men.  I think I make myself a target to be taken advantage of by men because I’m always trying so hard to make them happy.  Intellectually, I know I’m not responsible for another person’s happiness but subconsciously I do things all the time to try to make the man in my life happy.  It’s this urge to be needed that drives me to act this way.   I think some part of me believes if I can make the man in my life happy, then I will always be needed.

Feeling needed is an urge that is biologically based for women but that doesn’t mean we have to give in to it.  You certainly don’t have to play games like Gemma does to fulfill this need.  I am trying to change this in my life by noticing when I am acting on the urge to be needed.  I try not to give in to this as much and to do things for others out of kindness without the expectation for something in return.


Sons of Anarchy S05E12: Men Face Out

Posted in Uncategorized on November 29, 2012 by Anna Deeds, LPC

Great post summing up the episode!

Not Like I'm Obsessed

Another 90 minutes! I did not see that one coming (probably because I missed the “Next time on…” from last week, damn Thanksgiving break, screwing with my mind).

Jax is steadily working on his letters to his boys, telling them all about their father’s failings as a man. He is working hard to right his wrongs and now he is at a crossroads. “You reach an age where you realize that being a man isn’t about respect or strength. It’s about being aware of the things you touch.” He says, he knows because he is at that place and it’s time to decide who he wants to be – the man his father tried to be, or the man his stepfather is.

At the clubhouse Jax is ready to make his move on Clay, when Bobby pops up and derails all of his best laid plans. Bobby says Clay is…

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Season 5 Episode 12 Darthy

Posted in Quotes with tags , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2012 by Anna Deeds, LPC


There will be days when you’re forced to make decisions that affect the lives of everyone you love – choices that will change you forever.  You reach an age where you realize that being a man isn’t about respect or strength, it’s about being aware of all the things you touch.  Children face inward, wallow in their own selfish needs.  Men face out, take action on the needs of others.

First, I’d like to point out that you can replace man/men with woman/women in this quote because I think it can apply to everyone.  Hard choices have to be made by everyone in life.  And some of those choices change you deeply and forever.

I made such a choice when I left my job to create a new business for addicts.  It was a hard choice and it changed me in ways I couldn’t imagine.  I realized I wasn’t happy at my job because I couldn’t be who I am.  Such is usually the case with any job.  When you work for someone else, you are a reflection of them and you have to act accordingly.  When you work for yourself, you can be who you are without censoring yourself.

It’s the same thing Jax is talking about when he says “it’s about being aware of all the things you touch.”  I don’t think most people realize how much impact they have on the world around them.  A simple smile can brighten a stranger’s day.  A “like” on Facebook can make all the difference to someone.  You just never know how what you do will affect someone else.  I try to be as kind as possible to those around me because you never know when someone really needs it.

Of course, there are times when I’m feeling down and don’t feel like being nice but this leads me to the next line in the quote.  “Children face inward, wallow in their own selfish needs.”  Children need to be selfish because they haven’t learned how to take care of their needs yet.  They have to rely on others for everything.  This is something that we should outgrow.  As we grow and learn, we are able to take care of our own needs and start to “take action on the needs of others.”

I like that the word wallow is used in this passage.  Wallow is a fitting word for selfishness.   When you only think of yourself and your needs, you may think you’re making your life better but this path leads to depression.  Selfishness and self-centered behavior leave you feeling empty and lost.  Nothing is gained by ignoring the needs of others to meet your own.  I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with meeting your own needs but when you do it at the cost of others, it is selfish.

How sad a world this would be if we only cared for our own needs without consideration for others.   Take action today on the needs of others.  Do something to help out your brother, your sister.  We are all connected and what you do for another will come back to help you.


Season 5 Episode 1 Sovereign

Posted in Quotes with tags , , , , , , on November 29, 2012 by Anna Deeds, LPC

Jax Teller


“Something happens at around 92 miles an hour – thunder-headers drown out all sound, engine vibrations travels at a heart’s rate, field of vision funnels into the immediate and suddenly you’re not on the road, you’re in it. A part of it. Traffic, scenery, cops – just cardboard cutouts blowing over as you past. Sometimes I forget the rush of that. That’s why I love these long runs. All your problems, all the noise, gone. Nothing else to worry about except what’s right in front of you. Maybe that’s the lesson for me today, to hold on to these simple moments. Appreciate them a little more – there’s not many of them left. I don’t ever want that for you. Finding things that make you happy shouldn’t be so hard. I know you’ll face pain, suffering, hard choices, but you can’t let the weight of it choke the joy out of your life. No matter what, you have to find the things that love you. Run to them. There’s an old saying, ‘That what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’ I don’t believe that. I think the things that try to kill you make you angry and sad. Strength comes from the good things – your family, your friends, the satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that’ll keep you whole. Those are the things to hold on to when you’re broken.”

The first part of the quote when he describes riding his motorcycle and how all your problems go away is what we call flow in psychology.  Athletes call it being in the zone.  Whatever you call it, it’s a beautiful thing.  You feel energized, alive and you lose all track of time when you’re there.  It happens when you are so wrapped up in doing something you love that you lose all sight of everything else.

How do you find your flow?  Notice what activities you really enjoy in life.  You’ll find it in anything that you can do for hours on end without everyday problems intruding.  I have to caution you though that this feeling is addictive.  It’s probably the root of most behavioral addictions.  However, when used in moderation, it is a key to happiness.

Jax keys into another way to find happiness when he talks about appreciating the simple moments.  So many times we get wrapped up in the every day mechanics of our lives that we forget to appreciate all the good things in our lives.   I’m guilty of this.  I tend to get so wrapped up in my work that I forget to enjoy all the beauty in life.  I forget to appreciate the people who love me.  Jax says it well when he says “you have to find the things that love you. Run to them.”

And when you are with the people you love, keep things in perspective.  Jax talks about facing “pain, suffering and hard choices” but not letting that ruin the joy in your life.  That’s a hard thing for a lot of people.  People tend to focus on what goes wrong in life more than what goes right.  You have to see that there is a delicate balance to life of both good and bad.  Keep that in perspective by appreciating what you have and let go of the pain.

Jax goes on to say that strength comes from the good things in your life and not from suffering.  It comes from family, friends and hard work.  I believe it can come from both.  If you let your suffering make you “angry and sad” then it weakens you.  If you turn your suffering into something positive, it can give you strength.  It’s all in what you do with it.

This is a great quote from Sons of Anarchy that shows you can find a bit of wisdom in almost anything.  So, here’s the wisdom I found in this quote:

  • Find your flow
  • Appreciate the simple moments
  • Keep perspective
  • Get strength from the good things in life